meganamram:

Dear Ayn,

My in-laws are coming to Thanksgiving dinner at my house for the first time. I’m not great at hosting: how do I make sure we have enough food and that we all get along?

- Turkey Lurkey

Dear Lurkey,

The lavish Thanksgiving meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the RESULT AND REWARD OF PRODUCTION. Do you see a poor “person” on the street? (NOTE: I put “person” in quotes because poor people are more like CHAIRS in my book because you should SIT on them.) Ask this “person” (read: chair) for his half-sandwich for your Thanksgiving meal. Does he not relinquish that symbol for all American pride, the half-sandwich? Does he not relinquish his half-BLT, his half-PB&J? Distract him with some sort of juvenile puppet-based theater and steal that half-sandwich.That is YOUR HALF-SANDY, for YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE A GOD EATING A HALF-HAM-AND-CHEESE SANDY. Note: to be clear, it is half of a ham-and-cheese sandwich, not a whole half-ham and cheese sandwich.

Hope this helps,

Ayn